Don’t Let Your Emotional Baggage Get In Your Way!

Many of us have our feet firmly planted on the treadmills of life – pursuing careers, building businesses, running homes, etc. Hence, our lives become so cluttered, we loose sight of the woman we have become. Rarely do we have adequate time (and space) to deal with what’s going on within us. And when you add to the equation the life challenges we face, it’s no surprise we become laden with emotional baggage (e.g. unresolved issues, negative emotions, unhealthy or inaccurate mindsets, etc). Rather than dealing with it, many of us opt to brush it aside and keep sprinting through life. After all, we have so much to do. But what you may fail to realise is that when you don’t deal with your baggage, it can hinder you from operating at your best. It also has a tendency of becoming a stumbling block further down the line. Over time, we see the rise of what I refer to as a female hybrid i.e. a pale version of the woman you were created to be. The problem with being a female hybrid is that you are constantly trying to compensate for the baggage you are carrying with you. And so, you may use the likes of food, spending, alcohol, drugs, sex or work as a distraction or to make yourself feel better. But as you can imagine, this only causes problems later on. So, to avoid emotional baggage or living as a female hybrid, read my five tips to help you along the way.

1. Slow Down: Living a fast-paced life gives you little or no time to focus inwardly.
2. Rebalance Your Life: Get a healthy balance between your work and personal life. Failing to do so will surely grant you a lifetime membership in the female hybrid club.
3. Reflect Regularly: Schedule some time to catch up with yourself or else you may become oblivious to the emotional baggage you maybe stockpiling.
4. Take Regular Retreats: Lack of rest aids the accumulation of emotional baggage. So schedule regular retreats to pause from your hectic lifestyle and allow room for restoration.
5. Deal With Your Baggage: Is there a situation you are yet to get over? Is there someone you need to confront, forgive, release, or separate yourself from? Whatever your baggage is, I suggest you take steps to dealing with it. If needed, talk to someone. Trust me, it helps!

Tough But Powerful Questions To Ask Yourself

We all shy away from asking ourselves tough questions. Maybe because we are afraid of the answers. So we adopt common approaches that include burying our heads in the sand, wearing a mask and pretending like every thing is ok. But who are we kidding especially as we are falling apart at the seems? To hold ourselves together, we opt for temporary plasters (e.g. food, alcohol, money, sex, drugs). But all they do is cause further problems down the line.

So you now face a crossroad. You can choose to remain the way you are or start your journey to becoming female hybrid-free? So what is it going to be? If it is the later, start by answering the following questions:

• Who am I?
• What do I really want?
• What motives and intentions are driving my actions (good, bad and the ugly)?
• What attitudes and personal beliefs do I hold on to? Are they serving me?
• What are my worst fears?
• Am I happy with the real me – the one I hide from others?

Ponder on your answers. What are the themes showing up? What area of your life do you need to be focusing on now? Whatever you do, I encourage you to take action.

Are You A Female Hybrid?

On our journeys in life, we at times experience challenges and/or situations that may result in hurt, pain, disappointment, grief and separation. As a result, you may find yourself emotionally battered, bruised and wounded. Coupled with the ‘stuff’ you may have been carrying from your yesteryears, it is possible you find yourself living as a mere shadow of the woman you once were. I call this woman a ‘female hybrid’.

So what does a female hybrid look like? For a start, female hybrids come from all walks of life. They tend to exhibit a combination of incorrect, unhealthy and/or self-defeating attitudes, beliefs and behaviours. Over the years, I have come across several female hybrid characteristics. For example, there is the ‘Female Masquerader’ who ‘masks’ her pain with the likes of her success, personality, appearance, busyness, etc. There is the ‘Female Superhero’ who saves the world yet has no support system in place to meet her own needs. The chances are she is also driven to her good deeds by the wrong motives. There is also the ‘Female Clone’ who spends her life dancing to the tune of others. And the list goes on (I have characterised ten different female hybrid tendencies in my book, Overcoming Emotional Baggage, where I go into further detail).

The truth of the matter is that your emotional baggage will affect you in some shape or form – be it professionally, personally, spiritually, financially, etc. In my years of coaching women, I have seen emotional baggage tarnish the sparkle of many would-be highfliers, paralyse many great women, cause women who normally exhibit good judgement make the most absurd, unwise, incomprehensible decisions. I have also seen it wreck relationships and thwart careers. Maybe you can relate to any of this? I know I certainly can! Hence, my desires to ensure women have the means and support to tackle their own female hybrid tendencies. To get you on track, I suggest you follow my three simple steps I mention in my book.

1. Become more aware of yourself. This will help you identify any female hybrid-like tendencies you may have.
2. Accept the fact that you have emotional baggage to deal with.
3. Be willing to take the right action for you.

In closing, I encourage you take time out to give yourself a emotional health check. Are there unresolved issues lurking about? Have you become a female hybrid? Use this season to work on YOU and build yourself up emotionally. Why? Because 1) it takes a lot of effort living as a hybrid whilst trying to keep up the façade. 2) Your baggage will dilute or thwart all your efforts and good intentions. 3) Your female hybrid tendencies and emotional baggage will keep resurfacing and may trip you up time and time again.

Want to discover if you have become a female hybrid or gain insight on the different kinds of emotional baggage female hybrids carry? All this and more can be discovered by working through my book, Overcoming Emotional Baggage. It has insightful exercises, nuggets of wisdom and plenty of food for thought to support you on your journey. So get your copy today!!!

Five Rules For The Woman Who Can't Say 'No'

Do you find it difficult to say ‘no’? Feel guilty when you do? Maybe you find yourself bending over backwards to please others despite the negative impact it has on your life. If so, I believe you will find my five commandments liberating. So here goes:

1. Thou shalt not volunteer for every task/project on sundry – This is regardless of the shortage of volunteers or the compelling nature of the cries for help. It matters not that you can do the task with your eyes closed or you are happy to give up even more of your sleep (yet again!). Feel free to walk away from it – or at least till you can think carefully through any decision you might make. PS: Just in case you feel like the world will stop spinning because you said ‘no’ – IT WON’T! (trust me). Other people have been lined up to do the task. The only problem is that you keep refusing to let go. And so others don’t get a chance.

2. Thou shalt learn to say ‘no’ more often AND resist the guilt-trips you feel when you do. To combat these guilt trips, say out loud to yourself “I choose to say ‘no’ on this occasion and this is the decision I have made. So get over it, Woman!” Under no circumstances are you to wind yourself up with so much guilt that you change your decision (regardless of the sob stories, manipulation, etc) – only do so if your heart (not head) tells you to do so!

3. Love thy neighbour as thyself! When we think of this, some of us have it ingrained in us to constantly give of our selves. This in itself is not bad but I believe there is a cut-off here. Moreover, this commandment also gives us the liberty to love ourselves equally as we love others. To me, that allows me to not only do nice things for others but myself too! Plus, I don’t have to feel bad about it neither.

4. From hence forth, thy shalt put boundaries in place and no longer tolerate people who ill-treat you, does not value your existence or celebrate the woman you are. If proper care is not taken, these people may end up draining you physically, spiritually, emotionally and financially. And you are too precious for that. Put healthy boundaries in place to ensure that these people do not ‘hack’ away the essence of your being. Have you noticed that when you don’t do this, you end up harbouring anger, bitterness and resentment against the person because of what they are doing to you (or should I say the things you allow them to do?). When necessary, confront the person(s), give them the room to change and let them know what the consequences would be if there is no change. Never be afraid of letting go of them to create room for healthier relationships.

5. Thou shalt not make your decisions based on what you think others will consider to be right, what others would be pleased with, etc. I implore you to start making your decisions from your heart not according to the gospel of all on sundry. You might do well by learning to block out those voices and not let them drive you to do things not right for you. Develop enough emotional strength to make decisions that are right for you and stick with them.

A Nigerian proverb says, “half a word is sufficient for the wise”. Oh and by the way, the grave is full of indispensable people.