In a bid to stop the
‘hurter’ or potential ‘hurters’ wounding us, we construct barriers around
ourselves. Then, when we look at life through the tinted lenses of our hurts,
trusting people – and even God – becomes a real issue, even when they pose no
threat to us. We bolt up the doors to our hearts and put up a sign that says:
‘No entry’.
Hence, we find ourselves
hiding. It’s not that we relocate to planet Mars or flee to a secluded island: we
still live in society but, while here in body, our heart is disengaged. Not
only do we do our utmost to avoid any situations where we might get hurt, but
also we no longer connect emotionally with others or make ourselves vulnerable
in any way. Adopting
this approach can have a detrimental effect on your physical, emotional and
spiritual health.
When We Choose Not To Forgive
In my new book, Quit
Hiding, Start Living! How Women Can Free Themselves From Past Hurts (ISBN:
978-0-9562606-6-6), I
share story after story of how hiding patterns, rooted in hurt and
unforgiveness, affects women. One of the areas affected is our physical
wellbeing. Research has long since established the mind-body link. For example,
in choosing not to forgive, a person’s risk of heart disease,
high blood pressure, mental illness and other debilitating illnesses are
increased. And so, God is no kill-joy when He encourages us time and time again
to forgive.
In my search for proof that
internalised, unresolved past hurts can be harmful, I came across Prof. Nick
Read’s insightful book, Sick and Tired: Healing Diseases Doctors Can't Cure. As a
doctor and a qualified psychotherapist, he took a novel approach in dealing
with his patients who presented real symptoms that baffled GPs/Consultants. His
approach was to ask them their ‘story’. And as each one shared their
experiences (past/present), it became evident what was causing the problem. You
guessed right – their hurts!
In his book, Forgive to Live – How Forgiveness Can Save
Your Life, Dr Dick Tibet believes that every one of us has what he refers
to as ‘a grievance story’ – where we have all been hurt or rejected by someone
who mattered to us. He reckons that, all too often, it has led to negative
emotions – such as anger – that linger for years.
Conduct Your Own Heart Test
In the book Quit Hiding, Start
Living! I encourage people to conduct what I refer to as your ‘Heart Test’. The
aim is to reveal the true state of your heart by considering the motives behind
your actions. Is what you do motivated by love, hate, unforgiveness, anger, rejection,
etc? As I write, I am reminded of the story of Lola who I mention in the book.
She is a successful 45-year old business woman who after being dumped by her
fiancé with no real explanation (the latest in a string of failed
relationships), she decides to focus squarely on her career and charity work. Now
on the surface, it can seem a laudable decision. However, take a peek into her ‘grievance
story’ and you see a lady battling with years of rejection from all the male
figures in her life starting with her father. Can Lola move on? Absolutely,
with Gods help and that of others after which she may decide that the right guy
for her is still out there or choose to stay single but this time, for all the
right reasons.
Remove The ‘No Entry’ Sign AND Install Gates!
We are compelled by the Bible to
forgive, love our enemies and such. But if the truth be told, this is can be
hard to do especially when you are faced with the scars of yesterdays/yesteryears.
But you don’t have to travel this journey alone for we have Gods awesome power,
through the Holy Spirit, to help us each step of the way.
And so your first step must be to
want to experience freedom from your hurt. Next, if you have not already done
so, allow God into the situation. You need His love, compassion, help,
direction, comfort and grace on this journey (trust me!). And as He aids you in
taking your first step on the ladder of forgiveness, take baby steps in allowing
others back into your life i.e. opening the doors to your heart (I go into
great detail about this in the book).
And what ever you do, PLEASE put in place
healthy boundaries. Don’t just allow anyone access to your heart. Just the same
way we have front doors with locks, security chains and peep holes to safeguard
us from hurtful people, prayerfully consider who should have access to you and
what level of access they should have.
In closing, remember that to forgive
and love others again does not mean we throw wisdom out of the window!
No comments:
Post a Comment